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| Losing it... Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.
She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen.
A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
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| Potato Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know." |
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| Bar-B-Q It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman "fixes" the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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| Cowboy Boots Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month . .
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| Free Printable Bookmarks at BookDaily.com Get free printable custom bookmarks at ArcaMax Publishing's newest site, BookDaily.com! BookDaily offers more than 80,000 first chapter book samples -- for free.
Here's a listing of the top five bookmarks that have been printed out so far at BookDaily.com (you won't see the links for the bookmarks until you're logged in or create a free account. It's easy!):
Twilight (Twilight, Book 1), by Stephanie Meyer
On Writing Well, 30th Anniversary Edition: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction, by William Zinsser
Just Like Heaven, by Marc Levy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson
The Lost Symbol, by Dan Brown
Once you set up a BookDaily account and login, you'll find a link on every book on the site offering a free printable bookmark, including the book's cover, title and author. Print as many as you'd like!
-- From the ArcaMax editors |
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