| Sylvia Rimm Q: I feel like such a horrible mother. I have three children, ages 6, 5 and 2. My 5-year-old adopted daughter has fetal alcohol syndrome. We knew this was a possibility when we adopted her as a baby, but I thought I would be able to handle her. Well, the realities of her condition are just starting to become apparent. She's constantly into things; she writes on the walls with everything from pens and crayons to fecal matter; she goes through every drawer throwing its contents everywhere; and when a request she's made isn't satisfied, she IMMEDIATELY starts crying and screaming.
I'm at my wit's end. I try and reason with her, telling her what's acceptable and what's not, but she either doesn't care or forgets what I've told her. My husband and I both use timeouts, but it doesn't seem to do any good with her. I feel as if I am overly harsh with her in comparison to her brothers, but I get so frustrated with her. Obviously, I need to do things differently, but I don't know how to approach discipline for her.
I've always struggled with how to be a good parent in general, and I suffer from depression. My husband works long hours and I feel like I'm alone and doing a poor job as a parent. Help!
A: You certainly need help with parenting three young children, but you probably need some special help for your adopted child who has fetal alcohol syndrome. She may have some serious problems in not understanding you, or it's possible that her hyperactivity and impulsive behavior can be helped with medication. For starters, go to a psychologist who can help you deal with her as well as with your general parenting. Most any mother would feel depressed at the overwhelming responsibility of what you're handling. Don't blame yourself because that compounds your problem.
Now here's the next step, and it's not an easy one. First, envision yourself a wise mother and teacher of your children. Develop a daily program or plan much as a preschool or day care teacher would do, so that your children who are at home have a rhythm of expectations for their day. Plan some positive activities as well as some free play, with clear positive and negative consequences for good and bad behaviors.
You may be overreasoning with your daughter so that her problem behaviors bring your attention, which she values more than anything. Timeout is a very effective consequence for aggressive, disobedient or screaming behaviors, but you have to plan it in a way that is enforced without a continued battle between you and your daughter. (See the guidelines for timeout in my book, "Raising Preschoolers," or a free newsletter you can receive.)
You also need some one-to-one positive time with each of your children. That certainly sounds impossible to you now, but a baby sitter, grandparent or your husband could possibly handle one child to give you a little time alone with another at least once a week.
You even need some time away from all of the children for a little while each day. That, too, may sound impossible, but with some creative thinking, you may discover a tween who can be a mother's helper, playing with the children while you have some time to yourself in another room. You have asked me for help, so at least I think you're on the correct path to knowing that you need further assistance. Any good parent would!
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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