Today's Jokes Plus Financial Security - Make Your Own

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Drinking, Gambling, and Golf A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
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Top ten tips to know if you have PMS 10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-XXX-XXXX." 5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 3. You're counting down the days until menopause. 2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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Criminal Mastermind An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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Biting Nails Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."
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Free Daily Horoscopes by E-Mail Get daily predictions for your star sign with a free subscription to ArcaMax Horoscopes. Every morning, you'll receive your horoscope for the day, as well as the positions of the planets and luminaries. The Horoscopes channel also features profiles for the different star signs, and quizzes to see how much you know about the Western and Eastern zodiacs! Subscribe to ArcaMax Horoscopes instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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Mom of 2 drops 5 dress sizes!

Jonni I. had always had trouble staying in shape. You see, she had two children and a busy lifestyle. But after years of putting others first, she decided to start taking care of herself for a change! She worked to find an activity plan she could manage with her busy schedule and knew she had to change her eating habits. But she still needed a boost, so she tried the new SlimSeduction. Here’s what she’s saying now: “My husband says I walk with more confidence. And I am sure I do. I don't have to fidget with my clothes when I walk, or when I get up and down from sitting etc. And I know I look good in these jeans. They fit and they are cute. I am truly a transformed person. Inside and out. I walk with my shoulders back and my head held high, things I haven't done since high school. I have finally ‘come into’ myself. I feel and act younger than I did 10 years ago. And, I smile more. Smiling feels so good.” Would you like to see the pictures of Jonni’s awesome transformation? Hint: she can wear her teenage daughter’s clothes now! Nutra Lane is giving out 5000 trials of SlimSeduction today and you can get involved. Just visit the link below to see Jonni’s real, unedited pictures and learn more about SlimSeduction: Click Here to view Before & After Photos To unsubscribe from this entire list, please scroll to the bottom. If you want to unsubscribe only from this particular notice from GNS, visit the link immediately below http://GNS.gnsunsc.com/24d2fa97d38ac350291deb884a76b3a2 GNS Inc. 12650 W. 64th Avenue #157 Arvada, CO 80004

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Today's Jokes Plus Flush Fat Out of Your System!

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Remembering the Anniversary A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us kissing in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
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Looking Good While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
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Encyclopaedia Britannica Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section. FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $500 or best offer. Reason for sale:- No longer required. Son turned fourteen last week. Now knows everything.
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Present Kid 1: "I got my sister a VCP for her birthday." Kid 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?" Kid 1: "No, a VCP ... Very Cheap Present!"
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Get the Latest News Every Day Stay up-to-date on the latest world news as it happens with a free subscription to News Headlines. This free ezine is delivered twice every weekday and once a day on the weekends, with all the current news on national and world events. Subscribe to ArcaMax News Headlines instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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Thank you for your subscription to Jokes from ArcaMax with the following email address: duncanjax@gmail.com Jokes from ArcaMax may be non-commercially distributed unedited! Please share it! Pass it along to friends, family and associates. SUBSCRIBING To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg UNSUBSCRIBING To discontinue this newsletter - Select this link Having Trouble? You may also try this link: http://www.arcamax.com/unsubscribe It is our policy and practice not to send unwanted email. ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. 729 Thimble Shoals Boulevard Suite B Newport News, VA 23606 Copyright 1996-2009 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.

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Today's Jokes Plus Free Sample Of Yoplait Whips

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by: Free Sample Of Yoplait Whips Create your profile below to sign up to receive the Betty Crocker email newsletter, access exclusive member benefits on BettyCrocker.com, and receive your free sample of Yoplait Whips! Taste for yourself how Whips! turn into a delicious frozen treat when you put them in the freezer. Click here for details...
Nothing Works I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened. She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation. "That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"
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Majorly Busted Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that mess?"
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Marriage Quotes By Men - I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. - It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. - Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. - A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' - Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. - A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' - Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! - I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. - If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? - A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
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Great Truths That Children Have Learned 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Choose from 60,000 Books -- Get Your Free Samples at BookDaily.com ArcaMax Publishing has launched the new BookDaily.com! Browse, search and read sample first chapters from your favorite authors -- and sign up for free email newsletters with the book samples you want to read later. You'll find books from Mark R. Levin, Steve Turner, Dean Koontz, and many more. Once you have given the site a look, we welcome any feedback or suggestions. Visit BookDaily.com now. -- From the ArcaMax editors
To see more Jokes, visit the Jokes channel.
ArcaMax proudly distributes 75 popular newsletters, including Garfield, Recipes, Bible Verses, Gardening and Business Success. To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg ArcaMax publications are now available in an "advertising-free" format. Click here for details. We invite you to visit BookDaily: Book Samples for Book Lovers
Thank you for your subscription to Jokes from ArcaMax with the following email address: duncanjax@gmail.com Jokes from ArcaMax may be non-commercially distributed unedited! Please share it! Pass it along to friends, family and associates. SUBSCRIBING To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg UNSUBSCRIBING To discontinue this newsletter - Select this link Having Trouble? You may also try this link: http://www.arcamax.com/unsubscribe It is our policy and practice not to send unwanted email. ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. 729 Thimble Shoals Boulevard Suite B Newport News, VA 23606 Copyright 1996-2009 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.

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