Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax While I'm away, readers give the advice.
On when children are old enough to stop going to church:
Even as a liberal, tree-hugging, laissez-faire parent, church mattered to me. My church youth group was the salvation of my teenage years, and I wanted my kids to have something similar to what I had -- a group that cared for you just because you were there, and not because of your school coolness level, your academic ability or your sports prowess, and one that attempted to do some good in the world by helping at soup kitchens, rebuilding houses, helping the elderly, gathering disaster relief supplies, etc.
It is up to parents to decide what they expect from their children and how important church is to them. They cannot force anyone to believe or participate joyfully, but just as they expect their children to follow the house rules for safe driving, the use of the computer and politeness to strangers, they can set expectations for church attendance, if that is what is important to them. They wouldn't say, "Oh, well, he's 16 now, he can decide for himself how he drives!"
I wanted my children to participate in church activities at least until they graduated from high school, and of course this is easier if you set habits when they are younger. I found a church with an active youth group that did a lot of fun activities, but also participated in many service projects, such as Habitat for Humanity. I absolutely would not have stayed at a church where teenagers were pressured to believe, witness or preach. When my children did not want to attend church, I negotiated that they could substitute Sunday school or youth fellowship on Sunday evening. But I made sure they kept a church connection, and modeled the behavior I wanted by going off to church every Sunday myself. I would never have wanted to punish my kids for not attending, because all that does is further connect church with boredom and pain.
When my daughter hit a horrible patch in high school, she had her church friends to reassure her that she was valued and accepted. When my son was bullied at his school, he had another place to go. Kids have no idea that someday they may need this alternative set of social contacts; school should not be their only source of identity. Church was also a place where they met other adults, not just teachers or their friends' parents, who had many skills and experiences to share and could be in their lives for years, not just for a school year or semester. At church, my kids and I knew their friends' parents, siblings and sometimes even grandparents, so there were many interconnections, which are seldom available in today's neighborhoods and schools.
My kids are free to make their own choices now, but I believe their church attendance has enriched their lives, expanded their circle of friends, and provided a haven from the cruelties of school and sports.
-- L.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2010 Washington Post Writers Group
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