| Sylvia Rimm Q: Where do you draw the line between being a positive parent or a pushover parent?
A: If you have children who continually push limits and argue with you about almost everything, you've probably been a pushover parent. Children learned an overempowered style -- when a parent's initial "no" answer becomes a "yes" with every persuasion, or by manipulating between adults and asking the second parent after the first parent has said "no" to something. On the other hand, if you find yourself being angry and grumpy and saying "no" to almost every child's request, you are undoubtedly a negative parent and should try to become more positive.
Ideally, you should be able to say "yes" to some requests and "no" to others. All children argue and persuade a little bit, but they should then accept a "no" when you say it with finality. Kids who lose their tempers at every "no" or ignore their parents' boundaries were undoubtedly given too much power and freedom from the start. Also, children who don't accept rules and boundaries at home often have discipline problems at school as well.
The reason it's so difficult to answer your question with assurance is that the ages of children and parenting philosophies differ a great deal. Ideally, parents should be in charge, but they should be sensitive to their children's interests and feelings and take those into consideration for decision-making. At least, my descriptions should give you some basis of determining if you are positive or pushover parents and whether you should make some changes.
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Q: My 12-year-old daughter insists on sleeping in my bedroom, even though she has a bedroom of her own. Recently, I purchased a new bed and required that she sleep on the old mattress on the floor. She still wets the bed and I don't want her to ruin the new mattress. Any advice would be appreciated.
A: I do receive many questions about sharing beds with children, and I always discourage the practice for regular sleeping. Sharing beds for an occasional bad dream or a thunderstorm is fine, but children can learn to sleep independently, and most do. Parents deserve privacy for their affection and love life. Single parents can't always predict when they'll meet a partner they'll want to share a bed with in the future. Displacing children with a new relationship is always hard on the children, so it's best they consider it normal to sleep on their own. Sleeping on the floor next to you is not a good substitute for sleeping independently, but perhaps it's a first step in that direction.
I don't receive many questions about sharing a bed from parents of adolescents, who usually prefer to be on their own. Maybe having some friends spend the night would erase any fears your daughter has developed about sleeping alone. Sometimes sharing a room with a sibling or a pet can accustom children to being on their own. Also, quiet music helps to ease children's fears. It is time to tell your daughter that she's too grown up to sleep in your room, and your being absolutely firm about it should be all that's necessary.
I expect you've already checked with your daughter's doctor about her bed-wetting. There are plastic covers that protect mattresses -- hers, not yours. A bed-wetting alarm, called DRI Sleeper, has been found to successfully condition children to awaken to use the bathroom in 80 percent of the tried cases. Here's the website for further information: http://www.dri-sleeper.com.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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