Today's Jokes Plus Free Chocolate Bar

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by: Free Sample Of Fiber One Cereal And Oats and Chocolate Bar Fiber One Oats and Chocolate bar sample and coupon booklet are limited so please sign up quickly. Limit one sample package per household. All fields required. Offer good while supplies last. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Click here for details...
Breaking and Entering A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Application To Date My Daughter NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________ 2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______ IQ: ________GPA: ______ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________ 5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________ CITY: _________ ZIP ______ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: _______________________________________________ 7. Number of years parents married: ___________ 8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY) 9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? _________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _________________________________________________________ 12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week 13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________ 14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise): A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________ C. A women's place is in the __________________ D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.) 15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________ 16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS. _____________________ Signature (That means sign your name) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
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Wacky Newspaper Headlines - Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years - Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One - Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 - War Dims Hope For Peace - If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While - Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge - Deer Kill 17,000 - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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15 Ways to be Annoying 1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money. 2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call. 3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person." 4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!" 5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it. 6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time." 7) Beep when a large person backs up. 8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men." 9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance" 10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public. 11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds. 12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car. 13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster. 14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises. 15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
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Keep Your Garden Beautiful This Summer Don't let hot, dry weather get in the way of your favorite hobby. Learn how to vacation-proof your garden, keep your plants from drying out, and more with tips from ArcaMax Gardening. The Gardening ezine has even more tips, trivia, and reader photos. Vote for your favorites, or share your own and encourage family and friends to vote to make them the most popular for the month! Subscribe to ArcaMax Gardening instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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