Today's Jokes Plus a Cherry Red LG Washer & Dryer Set - FREE!

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by: Cherry Red LG Washer & Dryer Set - FREE! As part of a special promo and survey you may be qualified to receive this beautiful combo... Some restrictions apply, so hurry and check out this super offer for ArcaMax Subscribers: Click here for details...
Dear God Yesterday was an awful day for me.. My husband ran off with his secretary. My son pierced his eyebrow. My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head. My dog mated with the neighbours cat. My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution. My Mom told me I was adopted. My boss told me I was laid off. My sister was arrested for prostitution. My house has termites. My car was stolen. All that came in the mail was bills. A plane crash landed on my garage. OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner. And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Sponsor Cheap is good... but FREE is better! Join FreeFly's and get FREE SAMPLES of NAME BRAND PRODUCTS like: CoffeeMate * GoLean Crunch Downy * Nicorette NicoDerm CQ * Noxzema Airborne * Lactaid Cascade * Oil of Olay and many more... Read complete details & get samples here!
Essential Disk Care Guide - Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. - Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. - Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. - Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives. - Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. - Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. - A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive. - Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. - Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot. - If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. - Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. - Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Sponsor Reach Your Financial Goals With Robert Allen Fact: "I was challenged to take someone from Regis Philbin's studio audience and teach them wealth building principles... 90 days later Pat Watson walked away $20,000 richer!" Fact: "On live TV I promised I would make $24,000 in 24 hours... I failed... instead I made $94,532.44!" Look over my shoulder and watch how I do it.. Click here to continue.
More of Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Sponsor When Was Michael Jackson At His Best? Take our short survey and qualify to win... You'll get all 7 of Jackon's LP's Free! Click now for details & get started...
The Toilet Brush Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Choose from 60,000 Books -- Get Your Free Samples at BookDaily.com ArcaMax Publishing has launched the new BookDaily.com! Browse, search and read sample first chapters from your favorite authors -- and sign up for free email newsletters with the book samples you want to read later. You'll find books from Tori Spelling, George R.R. Martin, Sophie Kinsella, and many more. Once you have given the site a look, we welcome any feedback or suggestions. Visit BookDaily.com now. -- From the ArcaMax editors
To see more Jokes, visit the Jokes channel.
ArcaMax proudly distributes 75 popular newsletters, including Garfield, Recipes, Bible Verses, Gardening and Business Success. To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg ArcaMax publications are now available in an "advertising-free" format. Click here for details. We invite you to visit BookDaily: Book Samples for Book Lovers
Thank you for your subscription to Jokes from ArcaMax with the following email address: duncanjax@gmail.com Jokes from ArcaMax may be non-commercially distributed unedited! Please share it! Pass it along to friends, family and associates. SUBSCRIBING To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg UNSUBSCRIBING To discontinue this newsletter - Select this link Having Trouble? You may also try this link: http://www.arcamax.com/unsubscribe It is our policy and practice not to send unwanted email. ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. 729 Thimble Shoals Boulevard Suite B Newport News, VA 23606 Copyright 1996-2009 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.