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| Chatty Parrot An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's gosh darned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's gosh darned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."
"That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's gosh darned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty freakin' windy, too!" |
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| Computer Problem The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it.
After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.
One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?" |
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| Mousey Tale Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull. I gotta go home and tease the cat." |
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| Women Quotes "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton
"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone". Lenny Bruce
"I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine." Mel Gibson
"I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against." David Niven
"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money." Edgar Watson Howe
"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both." Samuel Butler |
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| Family Film Reviews Trying to decide what movies to see with your kids?
Jane Horwitz and her family film reviews offers detailed information on the content of the most popular movies in theaters right now, so you can decide for yourself which to take your children to see.
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