Today's Jokes Plus Get JCPenney's Coupons

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New Viruses on the loose! Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard. Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus: Just does it. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
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Dot Com Mergers In the aftermath of all of the recent mergers, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies: Disney Data General United Health Care The names of the new mega company will be: Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.
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Chaos There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
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Down South Bumper Stickers - I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. - Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. - I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. - You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. - BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. - I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. - So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! - I'm just driving this way to tork you off. - Keep honking, I'm reloading. - As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. - I took an IQ test and the results were negative. - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. - Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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