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| Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen." |
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| Actual Medical Charts - The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
--Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. |
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| Books for College A blonde student was in his the college campus bookstore.
Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you."
"Good," the blonde replied, "I'll take two." |
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| 100 Camels As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.
An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," Morris replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?
Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home." |
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| Happy Independence Day! ArcaMax would like to wish all our American readers a safe and happy Independence Day. Enjoy the holiday with your families, and be sure to keep up with this weekend's ezines once you're back from your celebrations.
Sincerely, the ArcaMax editors |
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