| Sylvia Rimm Q: How can I establish myself as the person in charge when my 3-year-old hits me, bites me, screams and kicks when he doesn't want to do what I say? I have had no success with any discipline methods. He is not phased by timeouts, taking toys away for a period of time or spanking. He amazes us every day. He has been counting and singing his ABC's since he was 14 months old. He has been writing his first, middle and last names since a few months before his third birthday. I am exhausted every day due to his constant resistance to me.
We have a 14-year-old boy who cries when he has to do chores that he doesn't like to do, and either stays in his bedroom with the door closed all the time or goes outside and skateboards with his friends.
We also have an 11-year-old girl, who in the past couple of weeks has begun sneaking around and taking makeup and other clothes to school that she knows we don't approve of.
Both of these kids get fantastic grades when they try, but when they decide they aren't going to do their homework or study (usually to prove something to my husband, their stepdad, and me), their grades fall from A's and B's to D's and F's in a matter of weeks.
A: Having three very bright oppositional children is not easy, but there is a pattern here that you have somehow missed. It may well be that your capable children were born with high energy and are, therefore, more difficult to parent. Nevertheless, there is another parent who doesn't live with you, who is at least part of your family and may not be on the same page with the two of you. Parents who are united in their discipline approaches have a much easier time disciplining their children. Since there may be at least three parents guiding your children, you will want to have consistent guidelines in all environments.
I assure you that spanking your 3-year-old is only likely to add to his aggression, as well as to that of the older children. Every research study shows a similar pattern. Giving children timeouts is effective if done correctly and not overused. What works best is guiding with a positive structure so that kids aren't overempowered and don't take over your home. Envision yourself as a good classroom teacher with a reasonable plan and schedule of activities for each day so that your children know what to expect and what's expected of them. For example, after playtime, your little guy is expected to help pick up his toys before he has his snack and story. He needs you to be in charge.
I assume your husband is the stepfather to the two older children, so you have to handle the major discipline issues with them, until they've bonded with their stepfather.
Although I can't give you an easy solution to such a complicated question, I can lead you to two of my books that will be very helpful. Both "Raising Preschoolers" (Three Rivers Press, 1997) and "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008) will give you guidance for how to arrange timeouts, how to schedule your day, how to stay united and how to select effective rewards and punishments. You and your husband might also benefit from some parent counseling sessions until you're able to take charge in your family.
For free newsletters about "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," "Raising Preschoolers," or discipline for little, middle and big kids, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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