| Sylvia Rimm Q: What is the best way to address sibling rivalry? Our 13-year-old son can be particularly unkind to his 10-year-old brother and still talks about "the good old days before his brother was born."
A: Although sibling rivalry happens in all families, two boys close in age can be an especially difficult combination. Fortunately, they can also be an excellent combination. While brothers frequently compete, argue and even fight, they also often enjoy playing together.
While you won't eliminate all jealousy, you can accept it and explain to your older boy that it's time for him to learn to deal with his feelings in acceptable ways. Here are suggestions for diminishing their sibling problem:
1. Tell your older boy that while you can understand that he has feelings of jealousy, you never again want to hear about "the good old days before his brother was born" because all parents want their children to get along, help and love each other.
2. Explain to your older son privately that his younger brother admires him and sees him as a role model.
3. Notice when your older son is nice to his younger brother. Tell him privately that you appreciate it and like this kind quality in him.
4. Get the boys together to plan secret family surprises for grandparents, dad or cousins. Keeping the same secret helps kids bond.
5. Give each boy some one-on-one time with each of their parents at least once a week.
6. Set up a reward strategy where the boys can earn a point for each half-day they're nice to each other. They can discuss and argue, but can't be mean or aggressive. The points are earned only if both are nice. Ten points earn them a fun family reward together.
7. Don't mediate their arguments. Tell them to work things out themselves, but if the shouting gets too loud or they become physical, they both go to their own rooms for 15 minutes. Don't take sides. Just separate them. It's possible that you may be siding with the younger one against the older one and that can cause your older boy to feel angry. It's also possible that you're not, but the older one would like you to side with him. Either way, learning to work things out on their own is good for their relationship.
8. Get them involved in family games where they are sometimes on the same team, and other times they're each on a parent�s team. Encouraging teamwork should help.
9. If they're getting along at least half the time, they have a normal relationship that will probably result in true lifelong friendships. If it's less than that, keep working. If they do better than that, you can relax and feel confident in the relationship.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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