Today's Jokes Plus Free Coleman Keychain Spotlight

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The Stones The Rolling Stones circled New York's sprawling Van Cortlandt Park in a yellow blimp emblazoned with their red tongue trademark, announcing the onset of their upcoming tour, a 40th anniversary extravaganza: According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we stay at home and become pillars of the community, or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find any communities that still needed pillars." Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no one could understand what Keith piped in with, as Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin. Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more age-appropriate theme: "Under My Gums" "Dye It Black" "Let's Take a Nap Together" "You Can't Always Get What You Want, Without A Prescription" "I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance" "Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?" "Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!" "Sister Motrin" "Sleep Fighting Man" "Help Me Up" "It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug" "Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)"
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Missing Tail light "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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Tidbits "I filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they just have said 'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture are there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?'" --Lisa Goich --- "Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!'" --Kathleen Madigan --- "I never get tired of housework - I don't do any. When guests come to visit I just put down dropcloths and say, 'We're painting.'" --Joan Rivers
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Spelling Lessons Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat." Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys." Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...." Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny." Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."
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Advice from Carolyn Hax Advice columnist Carolyn Hax is famous for her ability to get to the root of people's problems -- not just what they say, but who they are and what they're thinking. The resulting advice is often ruthless, sometimes controversial, and always hilarious. See for yourself what great advice Hax has to offer. Subscribe to ArcaMax's Carolyn Hax ezine, and receive her witty, helpful advice free by e-mail! Subscribe to the Carolyn Hax ezine instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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