Today's Jokes Plus New Summer Stimulus Program

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Airline Humor - "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." - "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." - "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." - "Last one off the plane must clean it." - From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." - This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" - Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." - An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" - After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." - Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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Testing During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class..."
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Choking When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
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Real Signs and Advertisements - Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." - In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?" - In a Pennsylvania cemetary: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." - On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable." - From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member." - On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." - On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
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Submit Your Fall Gardening Pics The weather's turning colder and the leaves are falling -- time to take photos of the changing colors in your garden! You can show them off in the Gardening Reader Photo Gallery. It's easy to upload your best pictures, and just as easy to vote on your favorites. Or send your friends and family to vote for yours, and make it the most popular for the month! To send in more pictures, visit the Baby, Travel, and Pet Photo Galleries. Subscribe to ArcaMax Gardening Tips instantly for more reader photos, gardening tips, trivia, and more. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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