| Sylvia Rimm Q: I have a 3-year-old boy with constantly bad behavior. He rarely behaves and will do the opposite of most everything I say. I know consistency is the key, but it's not always possible. I work hectically and can't maintain a regular schedule with my son. I have two part-time jobs and can't afford day care or my own place, so I live with my family.
I punish my son when he's bad, but the same punishment doesn't work each time. Sometimes a swift spanking or corner time will work. Other times I have to take away toys or privileges to make him behave. Sometimes reverse psychology works. Each time he does something bad, I have to try several different punishments before finding one to make him behave. After he complies, he'll often go back to the bad behavior -- sometimes within minutes after his punishment is over.
It doesn't help that my family believes I should raise him differently than the way I want to. My mother has actually called me a bad mother in front of my son! I know all these factors affect the way he acts and that things won't change until I'm able to get my own place and put my son in day care, but that could take awhile. How can I tell my family to back off without causing hostility? How can I maintain consistency with my son?
Could this rough patch cause even more future behavior problems? I love my son more than anything, and I want him to have a good life and to grow up knowing right from wrong.
A: Consistency and simplicity will help you discipline your son. When you throw reverse psychology into the mix, you're teaching him to be oppositional and do the reverse of what you want. Reverse psychology is very confusing to a child and shouldn't be used at all. I definitely don't recommend spanking. There is considerable research that shows it causes children to become more aggressive, and you may find he'll soon be hitting you back or hitting other children at preschool.
Timeouts work well for 3-year-olds, and if he won't sit on a timeout chair, take him to his room for a few minutes. If he's playing with something he shouldn't be playing with, just take that away. Normal 3-year-olds behave badly once in a while. He may only be exploring and need to be redirected, so please don't assume his behavior will necessarily lead to lifelong problems.
The most difficult part is getting your parents to unite with you, even if they disagree. Your differences are very confusing to your son. When he's asleep in the evening, perhaps you could talk to them about having a "united front." If you listen to some of their suggestions and come up with compromising solutions for all to use, your son will have an easier time knowing what's expected. You could share my newsletters with your parents as well. Chapter two of my book "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" would be very helpful. If you're continuing to have problems being united, you might all meet with a child psychologist for a few parent-training sessions.
For free newsletters about the book "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," a united front or discipline, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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