Today's Jokes Plus Gay Marriage Opinion Poll

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by: "Do You Think Gay Marriage Should Be Legal In All 50 States?" Go here to give your opinion. Tell us what you think, and we'll enter you into our Monthly Sweepstakes: WIN A $400 ELECTRONIC SHOPPING SPREE from ItsYourOpinion.com! Vote and Enter today
Darn Women Drivers This morning on the Freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadilac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned everything it touched, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers...
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Anniversary Dinner On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought. Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her hurried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker." "Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?" "More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
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School Lunch Little Johnny, after being expelled from his latest school, was enrolled in a Catholic School. On his first day in the new school, he went to the cafeteria for lunch. The children were lined up patiently getting their lunches. At the head of the serving line was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a note that said: "Take only one, God is watching." Seeing this Little Johnny made a note of his own and placed it at the other end of the serving line, in front of a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny's note said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
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A Mean Panda A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot at the waiter, but missed. The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just tried shooting my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
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