| Sylvia Rimm Q. My 4-year-old daughter is in day school on the campus of a university. She's in a class with a little girl who used to be in her old school's class. They were best friends there, so we thought she would help our daughter's transition.
My daughter says the girl is bullying her -- calling her names like "stupid" and "fat" and saying "your mother is fat." We've told our daughter not to be physical, which she wants to do, but to use her words, walk away or tell her teacher.
I've talked to her teachers and none have actually heard bullying, but know this girl can be a challenge. They're keeping their eyes on things, but the situation seems to be getting worse. My daughter cries that the girl and her friends make fun of her and call her names. In reaction, she spit food in one girl's face. She also kicks and throws furniture, sometimes, and has screaming and crying fits. One day she spit at the teacher and tried to hit her. Sometimes she accuses her dad and me of mocking her. She also reacts to mild disappointments with screaming and crying. She's not listening or behaving much of the time. She expects a treat for good behavior, which is partly our fault and we're trying to reverse this. The other little girl is smaller than her. My daughter is taller than most kids her age and our doctor says she's the size of an average 7 year old.
I was at home for two years and now work full time. We have no family nearby and are late-in-life parents. Our daughter is an only child and I was almost immobile, due to my weight, until a year ago when I had gastric bypass surgery and since lost 150 pounds. I get ill easily when I eat the wrong food and have been hospitalized twice with complications. My daughter often mimics me "being sick" over the sink by spitting food out.
Spankings, timeouts and taking away items/rewards don't seem to work. She clings to us and doesn't want to be in school.
What's going on with my sweet little girl? What can we do? We are at our wits' ends, especially since we both work and need her to be in day school. Please help us.
A. I'm not sure if your daughter is overweight, but her large size may be perceived as overweight. While kids can be absolutely cruel to overweight children, it's difficult to know whether your daughter's behaviors are a response to cruelty or are symptomatic of other problems she may have. To complicate understanding her behaviors, your own personal and health issues could easily have initiated anger, anxiety or other emotional problems for your daughter. For my book "Rescuing The Emotional Lives of Overweight Children," I interviewed adults who were overweight as children, and the stories of how they were taunted and teased in childhood were incredibly sad and the teasing left lifelong scars.
You've alerted your daughter's teachers to the problem and that's helpful. I now suggest you take your daughter to a psychologist for an evaluation to determine the source of her angry misbehavior. The psychologist can assist her with social skills and you with parenting your daughter under difficult circumstances. The psychologist could also contact the school to collect further information about the peer issues that may be affecting your daughter.
For free newsletters about "Rescuing the Emotional Lives of Overweight Children," teaching children social skills or raising girls with optimism and resilience, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094. Read Dr. Rimm's parenting articles and submit family questions online at www.sylviarimm.com. All questions are answered.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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