| Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar Dear Annie: My blood is still boiling from the letter from "Sex Therapist," who said men look at porn because women don't take care of their sexual needs. What a bunch of horse manure.
I work full time. After work, I pick up and shuttle children to and from activities, run other errands, grocery shop, etc. When I get home, I clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes, help the children with homework, make sure they do their chores, bathe them and tuck them in, take care of the pets, pay the bills, tidy the house and get ready to do it all again the next day. All the while, my husband sits reading the paper with a beer in his hand.
When he gropes me, reeking of alcohol, this "therapist" has the nerve to say I should provide him with sex four times a week because it's only 1 percent of my time. Please. Does this "therapist" know what it takes for a busy stressed-out mom to get in the mood? Maybe if the husbands got off their behinds more often, wives wouldn't feel so overwhelmed with chores and might actually have time for a little fun. -- Southwest Kansas
Dear Kansas: You weren't the only infuriated reader. Take a look at our mail:
From Texas: I was married to a man who habitually viewed porn to the extent that he routinely turned down my sexual advances. Porn can be a serious addiction that destroys relationships. "Sex Therapist" needs to do more research.
Illinois: I'm amazed this man has the nerve to call himself a relationship coach when he has no idea how a healthy relationship works. If a couple disagrees about the frequency of their lovemaking, they need to work on it together, not assume one person gives up or gives in. I think men watch porn because it's easier than having sex with a real, live woman.
Kentucky: Porn is immature male fantasy about the opposite sex. I was married to a man who denied ME sex, although I was young, beautiful, lustful and wanted to be with him. He preferred blow-up dolls and porn flicks.
California: My husband of 38 years would really enjoy shoving that letter in my face. I would have been happy to have more sex if he could have met me halfway by giving me the affection I needed. I was there for him when he went through two years of serious medical problems, and now he wants a divorce because he feels he never got enough sex. I was willing to work on it, but it takes two. Do I sound bitter? You bet.
East Coast: This sex therapist needs to examine his male-centered, woman-blaming bias. Men look at porn and masturbate for many reasons, such as not having a partner, not knowing how to satisfy their partner, having a stronger sex drive than their partner, being away from a partner, indulging in adolescent or adult curiosity, etc. Some men find it difficult to be intimate and turn to self-pleasuring instead. Those reasons have nothing to do with women's lack of responsiveness. A therapist needs to have a balanced approach that encourages both partners to look at what each is contributing to the problem and, even more important, how each can improve the relationship.
Dear Annie: Both men and women can fall victim to low libido, arousal disorders, orgasm problems and/or pain with intercourse. All of these factors may contribute to why a sexual problem exists in a partnership, in addition to overall relationship problems, lack of communication, history of trauma, onset of a medical problem or illness, affairs, etc. Rather than scolding and resenting one person for denying sex, or requiring a certain number of times per week, it may be more productive to understand the reasons behind the problem, explore alternatives to sex and learn the limitless possibilities of intimacy in general. -- Lindsay Novak, MA, LIMHP, CPC, CST; Director of Sexual Medicine & Wellness Center at Physician's Clinic Women's Center, Omaha, Neb.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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