| Sylvia Rimm Q: What if the mother is the rule maker, but the father doesn't agree with all the rules? How do you have a united front?
A: Rules are meaningless to children unless parents both agree. Actually, they're worse than meaningless because children learn disrespect when one parent makes the rules and the other encourages children to break them. That doesn't mean the rule maker is in the right. Sometimes parents can have too many rules, although that's rarely necessary if parents are united and have positive expectations for their children. If there are too many rules and the parents aren't united, kids dig their heels in and try to prove they can get away with breaking rules. They also defy and punish their parents to get even for being punished.
Your job as parents is to believe in your children, to guide them, but also to set reasonable boundaries. "You heard what your mother (or father) said and I agree" is an appropriate response to a child who tries to manipulate one parent against the other. Even better, if you point out that the parent who set the rules did it because children will benefit by following the rules -- for example: "Your mom wants you to study because she knows how capable you are, and if you don't study, you'll probably do poorly and feel dumb instead of smart." If you disagree with the other parent, and many parents do disagree with each other, then talk it over out of the children's hearing. And if there is a decision to change, let the parent who made the rule also change the rule. Children underachieve and become disrespectful to adults when parents are disrespectful and don't support each other.
Sometimes parents can't agree on some rules. In that case, the parents need to compromise by supporting the other parent, even if they disagree. As part of compromise, the rules can be set by one parent one time and the other parent the next time. For example, one parent's rules can be in effect for homework, while the other parent's rules can be used for driving privileges or staying overnight at a friend's home.
There is one important exception to parents being united. When a parent is abusive to a child, support by the other parent must stop. Children need protection under those circumstances. Determining what is abusive is not always easy. Physical abuse is obvious, and when there are scars or black and blue marks, it's time to leave a relationship. Verbal abuse is more difficult to determine because most people say things they regret at one time or another, and most people lose their tempers from time to time. A raised voice or a lost temper shouldn't be considered abuse -- although it's obvious parents should try to be both firm and calm. Continuous disparagement of a child can cause long-term emotional harm.
For free newsletters about a united front or "How to Parent so Children Will Learn," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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