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| 10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing -- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.
-- The bill came with payment coupons.
-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.
-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"
-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.
-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.
-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.
-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.
-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"
-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:
"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."
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| Play on Words 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes in verse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.
11. When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
14. You will feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into a song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours ...and it 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory.. which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeat.
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| Computa-holic 12-Step Program 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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| Prize winner A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads .
"W I N A B A G E L"
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