Thursday, February 11, 2010

Today's Jokes Plus Celtic Cross Pendant Jewelry

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by:

Irish Blessing Celtic Cross

Stunning Irish Celtic Jewelry in a Limited
Edition Sterling Silver & Diamond Cross Pendant

As enduring as Ireland's rich heritage, a beautifully
crafted, limited-edition Irish blessing Celtic cross

Irish Celtic jewelry graced with five glittering emeralds
and four sparkling diamonds

Finely hand-crafted in solid sterling silver and
lavished with rich accents of 24-karat-gold plating

Celtic cross pendant jewelry engraved on reverse with
verse from the beloved Irish blessing:

  "May God Always Hold You in the Palm of His Hands"

Visit now to See Detailed photos & read more

 

The Laws of Golf, Part I

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend

Sponsor

Congratulations...You've Won:

Free $1,000 Sam's Gift Card

  * Use at any Sam's Club location
  * Works the same as cash - never expires
  * Get the latest Toys and Gifts
  * Groceries, Furniture, Tools...
  * HDTV Or A New Computer...

Click And Claim Yours!
p.s. - Also includes a Full Sam's Club 1 Year Membership.

The Laws of Golf, Part II

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend

Sponsor

Keep Your Family Safe

As the news continues to reminds us, it's pretty easy to
pretend to be someone your not in this day and age.
For the first time ever, you can find out real and truthful
information about people through America's #1 Background
Check. So next time you just aren't 100% certain of the
truth, protect yourself with an instant Background Check.

For a 7-Day Free Trial of Unlimited Background Checks,
Click Here!

Parenthood

-- If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

-- Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

-- The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

-- Avenge yourself -- live long enough to be a problem to your children.

-- The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

-- Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

-- The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

-- Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

-- Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

-- Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

-- There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

-- Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

-- Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

-- Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

-- Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

-- An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend

Sponsor

Our Customers Set Our Prices!

Looking for Brand Name Sunglasses? Watches? Jewelry?

Visit bidz.com today, and you can get sunglasses and more
at auction prices. For a few dollars, you can get name
brand sunglasses, watches and jewelry.

Why squander thousands at another store when you can get
it from us for a fraction of the price?

Auctions start at just $1!
Bid Now!

State Capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend

Valentine Box Ideas for Kids

Help your kid prepare for Valentine's Day at school -- make a Valentine box to hold cards from their fellow students. You can find this fun craft, as well as more decorating ideas, in the ArcaMax Valentine's Day feature.

This special section also includes gift ideas, history and trivia, and books to read and buy online.

Visit the Valentine's Day feature.

-- From the ArcaMax editors

To see more Jokes, visit the Jokes channel.

ArcaMax proudly distributes 75 popular newsletters, including Garfield, Recipes, Bible Verses, Gardening and Business Success.

To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit:
http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg

ArcaMax publications are now available in an "advertising-free" format.
Click here for details.

We invite you to visit BookDaily: Book Samples for Book Lovers

Thank you for your subscription to Jokes from ArcaMax with the following email address:
duncanjax@gmail.com

Jokes from ArcaMax may be non-commercially distributed unedited! Please share it! Pass it along to friends, family and associates.

SUBSCRIBING

To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit:
http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg

UNSUBSCRIBING

To discontinue this newsletter - Select this link

Having Trouble?

You may also try this link:
http://www.arcamax.com/unsubscribe
It is our policy and practice not to send unwanted email.

ArcaMax Publishing, Inc.
729 Thimble Shoals Boulevard
Suite B
Newport News, VA 23606

Copyright 1996-2009 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.