| Sylvia Rimm Q: How can I help reduce my children's anxiety and pressure to get good or perfect grades? We encourage them to do their best, and they work hard and enjoy learning. But as they're getting older and the work becomes harder, they are increasingly anxious about good grades, and their self-image and worth seems to be tied to their grades. We have a 12-year-old girl, a 9-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl.
A: As long as you've emphasized that you only want them to do their best, you've done your best. Success breeds success and they've become accustomed to doing well. They've internalized the pressure that comes with success. Children who learn to work hard to earn good grades eventually figure out that they can't always get A's, but the more A's they get, the more chances they have of getting into careers of their choice.
Encourage their interests and activities so they find activities intrinsically rewarding, or in other words, they love to be engaged in them even when they're not graded. Be sure that some of their activities are physical or active because running around and playing automatically reduce tension and anxiety. And finally, enjoy them without comparing their grades to those of other children. Your youngest is likely to feel the most pressure if the older two continue with their success. But if you are not upset by their first B's, they're more likely to accept them as well.
You may also want to be sensitive to what you and their father say about your own successes and failures. If you model anxiety, they may be following your examples. You might have to change what you say within their hearing about your own issues. Admitting mistakes and learning from them provide good opportunities for your children to avoid being perfectionists and expecting too much of themselves.
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Q: What are some "kinder" ways to remind grandparents about their influence? For example, ask them not to scold us as the parents, have them choose more appropriate TV programs in front of their grandkids, etc.
A: Grandparents can greatly influence their grandchildren in either positive or negative ways. If they're positive in their approach, you can be much more positive as you talk to your children about them. When you address your criticism of their inappropriate scolding of you as parents or the TV they watch, I think you could emphasize the positive while communicating to them. For example, you could start by explaining to them how important you think they are to your children. Then you could suggest some special activities they might enjoy together or some good TV programs or games that could provide family fun.
Instead of commenting on their scolding, you could tell them that you're willing to hear their wise advice about parenting in private. You can also explain that it gives you time to think about what they have to say and whether you agree or disagree without confusing the children. It is really important for grandparents and parents to be respectful of each other. Otherwise, children will also learn a disrespectful style of communicating.
I have two newsletters to share that can be very helpful to you and to grandparents. For free newsletter about the Do's and Don'ts of Grandparenting or a United Front, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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