| Sylvia Rimm Q: My 4-year-old daughter is a sweet girl, but when it comes to discipline, she has her own mind. I've been told that she is a strong-willed child. She talks back and disagrees with me when I tell her almost anything. When I answer her questions, she says I'm wrong. I don't know how this started. I spank her when she continues to disobey, and still she repeats her bad behaviors. Timeout doesn't work. I'm always sitting her down to talk about her behavior.
She has been potty trained since age 2, but in preschool she wet her pants three times in one day. Sometimes she also wets herself at home. Her teacher told me that my daughter told her that she wet her pants because she wants her mommy and didn't like her clothes. She's manipulative. I need your help as I am a young mother who is trying very hard to raise my daughter properly.
A: There are two parts to your daughter's strong will: the temperament she was born with and the environment that fostered her strong will. Because you can't change what she was born with, you can only change her environment. When a 4-year-old talks back and disagrees with her mother constantly, it's likely that she's either been given too much power and choices by her mother or that the mother and other adults who are guiding her have been inconsistent, so she's learned to manipulate one adult or several.
Though you've tried spanking, I can tell you that's not a good approach. Many research studies have shown that spanking causes children to become more aggressive. You've noted that timeout doesn't work, but I expect you haven't handled it correctly. If you put a strong-willed child in timeout, they often don't sit in timeout, so it becomes one more power struggle that they win. I have guidelines for timeout that work in my book, "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008), and you can request a free newsletter that describes it.
While it's possible that your daughter is manipulating adults by wetting, it's actually unlikely. It's best to routinely provide a change of clothing to the school and let her change without making a fuss. There's a good chance she'll like the reserved clothes even less than the ones she went to school with, and her embarrassment in class is enough to encourage her to stay dry. Repeated accidents could be an indication of a urinary infection, so you'll want to check with your family doctor.
Finally, you mentioned that you're a young mother and that may make it difficult for you to have the confidence you need. If you tell your daughter things like "I don't know how to handle you" or "I don't understand why you act this way," it will actually increase her oppositionality and behavior problems. Instead, envision yourself a wise and mature adult. Take charge with a positive plan and a reasonable schedule similar to good teachers you've observed. Set up pleasant and positive routines for dressing, meals, playtime and bedtime. My book, "Raising Preschoolers," can help you with those. Once you feel in charge and can be positive with your daughter, she'll find it's more fun and easier to be respectful.
If you continue to struggle, see a counselor to help you with parenting. Typically, within two sessions, I can help a parent learn to take charge of young children with confidence, and even strong-willed children become reasonably compliant. You can learn to emphasize the positive and set clear boundaries for your daughter to thrive. Some children are a little more challenging than others, but strong-willed children want to be guided and loved.
For free newsletters about the books "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" or "Raising Preschoolers" or discipline, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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