Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax Dear Carolyn:
My 25-year-old daughter met a guy about a year ago. He's the perfect partner for her. She told me that he is "the one" and that she loves him so much. My whole family welcomed him as one of our own. They did everything together, even adopted a dog. They moved in together two months ago.
My daughter just asked him to leave. No reason to him or anyone else except that she needed to find herself. Both my family and his family are totally devastated. The guy moved to his mom's house with the dog, and all three of them haven't stopped crying for three days.
For some odd reason, I feel as though I have lost a big chunk of my heart. I was very close to the dog, he spent weekends with me while my daughter and her boyfriend did things together. Now I'm disappointed in my daughter, and I miss the boyfriend and the dog. They live two hours away, so I'll probably never see them again.
I want to get/keep in touch with the boyfriend, but feel as though it would hurt my daughter. And I would like to still see the dog. Weird?? Any suggestions as to what I should do, or not do?
-- C.
I'm sorry. It's not weird at all -- unless you really meant that the dog hasn't stopped crying for three days. But even that seems appropriate here.
It's normal to get invested in a child's choice of mate, especially given the closeness that comes with a good one, and the drama that comes with a bad. It's normal for seemingly great relationships to implode for mysterious reasons. It's normal to get swept into their grief.
You'd think with all these normal happenings and appropriate feelings there'd be a lot for you to do, but it's the don't-do list that's long:
Don't judge your daughter for her decision. You don't know what happened between them, and even the best two people ever can be misaligned in some way. Maybe she's not a disappointment, but instead brave as hell to say "no" against the stream of everyone else saying "yes."
Don't stay in touch with the boyfriend. If they had been married umpteen years I might say otherwise, but in this case, after so (relatively) little time together, your hanging on to him will only send messages your daughter doesn't need, like, "You screwed up" and "I raised you and I don't know what really happened, but I'm siding with him" and "My opinion of him is more important than yours."
If her reason for breaking up was good, then she needs you to have faith in her, and if her reason was impetuous, then her need for you to set a steady emotional example is all the more acute.
Don't let the dog wag the ... or let the tale wag the ... oh, hell. Don't let the pathos mess with your head. The lost doggie is sad and the crying great guy is sadder and the whole thing is a tear-jerker, but that doesn't change the story: A 25-year-old breaks off a relationship. It is dog bites man, not man bites dog. Be sad for them all, just not so sad that you're closed to whatever comes next.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2010 Washington Post Writers Group
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