| Sylvia Rimm Q: My 5-year-old daughter recently tried to kiss a boy in an after-school program. When the boy refused her, she tried to kick him in his privates. My husband had a long talk about how this was wrong and inappropriate. The next day, she tried to kiss a boy on his "pee-pee," again was refused, and she kicked him also.
She has never, ever behaved this way. I am perplexed as to how she equates love or affection by kissing a pee-pee. How could she get this idea? I am especially embarrassed by her after-school behavior, as I am a high school teacher. She has been challenging us at home as well by not doing small requests when asked and disobeying direct requests, such as stay in your room or sit on the couch.
We want to know how to get through to her that these behaviors are unacceptable, and we need to know the appropriate punishments. We are horrified at her behavior and want this to stop immediately.
We have a 6-year-old son and an 18-year-old son in the military. Their grandmother (we were close) died 12 weeks ago from cancer. Our daughter misses her grandma and brother, and talks about them both. She does not watch inappropriate TV and has not witnessed inappropriate behaviors at home. Could you please advise? We would be very grateful.
A: Five-year-olds don't try to kiss a boy's penis unless they've seen it done. No doubt it is embarrassing and frightening, too. Stay as calm as possible, but do take this seriously. It's possible that your 6-year-old son or another child in preschool has taught her this game,�but it's also possible that she's been abused by an adult, so you'll have to rule out all possibilities.
Her daddy's long talk was the correct first approach reviewing the concept of good touching and bad touching. You'll need to ask her if anyone has touched her private parts and whether people have asked her to touch theirs. You'll want to be very calm in this discussion or your daughter will be too frightened to tell you. She needs assurance that she can always, always tell her mom or dad when anything like this happens even if the person has told her to keep it secret. It�s imperative to discover the source -- and if you can't, you will want to take her to a counselor to assist in the discovery process.
Once you discover the cause of the problem, it's not likely to take long to discourage your daughter from touching others. Taking away one of her favorite toys until she stops is likely to be enough to make your enforcement clear. If she does this during the after-school program, they can time her out by herself for 15 minutes and communicate with you.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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