| Sylvia Rimm Q: I have a 2-year-old son who is very strong-willed. He is constantly hitting, pinching, pushing, kicking and biting my husband, our 4-year-old son and me. He will not sit in timeout and speaking to him in a harsh tone does not faze him. I give him a pat on the butt just to get his attention at times, and he falls apart and goes crying to my husband or vice versa.
He will hug and cuddle and kiss, but mostly he's very naughty. Bedtime is also a struggle lately. Do you have any advice? Thanks so much!
A: Timeouts that don't restrain your son and harsh tones followed by hugging, cuddling and kissing are giving your son mixed messages. For some children who have quieter temperaments, timing them out on a chair will be effective and they'll stay there until parents tell them to get up. For your son, timing him out in his room with a gate to prevent his coming out will make it clearer than spanking that you mean what you're saying. If he's a climber and will make it over the gate, you'll have to use two gates, one above the other.
Be sure not to talk to him or argue with him while he's in timeout. Don't give him any attention at all. For older children we can close a door, but for a toddler that would be too frightening. Keep him in timeout until he quiets down for a few minutes. Then let him out without any hugging or kissing by either of you, until he understands his behavior hurts others and won't be tolerated. His pattern of going to the other parent for hugs after he's been scolded by one of you isn't a good message to give him. It suggests to him that you're not united, and in his 2-year-old way he's learning to be manipulative. Right now he seems to be in a power struggle with you both, and he truly needs your clear boundaries and a united front.
As to bedtime, after you've read to him and hugged and told him how much you love him, explain that if he stays in bed, you won't have to put the gates up, but if he comes out once, then you will. Be sure to remove the gates after he falls asleep. Two is an assertive age -- called the "terrible two's" by some, although I've always thought of them as the "terrific two's." After your little guy learns to understand boundaries a bit better, I'm hoping you'll be calling him a "terrific two" year old.
For more information on timeouts, be sure to read my book "How To Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008).
For free newsletters about my books "Raising Preschoolers" or "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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