Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax Dear Carolyn:
My boyfriend of six months has told me he loves me only a handful of times. I am a person who ends most phone conversations with my best friend and my parents with "I love you." It's reassuring, nice to hear, and true.
My boyfriend does love me and demonstrates it through his actions and other words, but when we talked about it, he said he finds it more meaningful to make more specific statements, like pointing out traits that he admires about me when they come up and telling me how he feels in more specific terms. While I accept that as a rational argument, I still have an emotional need to hear those three little words. I obviously don't want to coerce him into saying it more often than he is comfortable with, but I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that not hearing it is making me increasingly insecure about the relationship.
-- G.
I'm not sure I can give you a fair answer without making two disclaimers: I don't necessarily believe there's such thing as security in a relationship when you're only six months into it -- there's only security in yourself. And, I'm in your boyfriend's camp on those "three little words." I believe words matter, but deeds matter more.
Meanwhile, your boyfriend has said three big words times five, which means you can reasonably conclude two things: that he does feel it, and he is willing to say it out loud. I could argue you're taking him for granted -- and devaluing his other expressions of love.
There's something else you're taking for granted, though, that's an earlier domino in the chain, and central to your problem. You say your end-of-conversation "I love yous" are "reassuring, nice to hear, and true." But you're in a position to make only one of those claims. "True," yes -- but whether your loving sign-offs are also "reassuring" or "nice to hear," that's for the recipient to say. They may well find such sign-offs cloying.
Some people even regard frequent I-love-yous as pressure. You've essentially admitted here that you want it said in return; every "I love you" that you utter, then, is also an invoice for reciprocal affection -- a bill in three little words.
Of course, the people with whom you're sharing these I-love-yous are good candidates for having mindsets similar to yours -- two of them presumably raised you to express affection this way, and the other is likely your closest non-family for a reason.
If that's the case, then I suggest you ask yourself whether you want a mate who completes a circle of like-minded people, or one who brings new ideas and practices to it, even when they present a challenge. Would you rather have more needs met, or fewer needs to meet?
Be starkly honest about who you are. You don't have to agree on everything to have a fulfilling relationship -- but you do need to have found a mutually agreeable way to handle it when not everything lines up just so.
And when you ask a mate for more "I love yous" just to make you happy, you need to be just as ready to say fewer of them if that's what makes him happy. Integrity demands that accommodations go both ways.
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E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2009 Washington Post Writers Group
Read more about Carolyn Hax at ArcaMax.com.
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