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| Mad Cow Disease Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad cow disease is really scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect us ducks." |
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| Der New 2005 California State Employee Handbook By Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year. Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom. Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders" category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATER |
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| Pay for the Food There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money." |
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| Miracle Dog A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
|
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| Get Healthy in 2010 Start getting in shape for the New Year with health tips from ArcaMax! Get the latest news in health and medicine, free diet and exercise tips, and more with a free subscription.
Subscribe to Health Tips instantly.
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