Today's Jokes Plus Test and Keep a Sony Vaio Laptop

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Chain Letters I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern....... --- I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. --- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. --- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. --- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. --- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. --- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. --- I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. --- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops. --- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. --- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. --- I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. --- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. --- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years. --- I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. --- Now to Return the Favor: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
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Late for Work Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
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Dumbest Quotes Ever These were sent in by a subscriber and we cannot attest to their accuracy...But aren't they hilarious? Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ---- "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ---- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ---- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ---- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ---- "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ---- "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. ---- "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ---- "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH) ---- "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle ---- "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca ---- "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ---- "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ---- "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, former US president (to perhaps be fair, we'll do Bushisms another day) ---- "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, former US Vice President ---- "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ---- "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ---- "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman --Thanks to Scott for submitting these.
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Names and Puns I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood Ready...Set...: Sadie Word Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew I'm Fine: Howard Yu The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary Mensa Man: Gene Yuss Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp
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Free Parenting Humor from the New Yorker With the new school year starting, parents can use a good laugh to start the day. The New Yorker Parenting Cartoons ezine has just what you need! Subscribers to this free ezine will receive a New Yorker cartoon every morning by e-mail -- a service available only from ArcaMax! New subscribers will also receive a New Yorker-style cartoon with their name in the caption, perfect for sharing with family and friends! For more cartoons every morning, sign up for the Dogs and Cats, Food Humor, Love & Relationships, and Office Humor ezines. Subscribe to New Yorker Parenting Humor. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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