Today's Jokes Plus Increase Your Credit Score

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Elephant A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself. It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO NEAR DEATH! ...Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.
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Cold War Dog Fight The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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Walking... - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is. - The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. - If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. - You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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Breakfast At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
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Get Your Garden Ready for Fall Autumn is just around the corner -- is your garden ready? Let ArcaMax help with tips from the Gardening ezine. Get quick and easy tips for your fruits and vegetables, check your local weather, and view photos of your fellow readers' own gardens. You can also submit your own, and invite family and friends to vote to make it the most popular of the month! Subscribe to ArcaMax Gardening instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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