Today's Jokes Plus the Perfect Opportunity for Stay at Home Moms

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Oldies... Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies." Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions" ABBA -- "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out" Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair" Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper" Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
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The Bully This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
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Tidbits Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc...I don't have any money." --- "I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry --- "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -Oscar Wilde
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Human Years God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so...
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The Hollywood Exclusive: How 'Pitchmen' Will Carry on Without Billy Mays Producer Thom Beers has already stated that his Discovery Channel show "Pitchmen" will continue despite the death of Billy Mays. How? Check out The Hollywood Exclusive to read what the producers have to say about the future of the show. For more news from Hollywood, movie reviews, celebrity Q&As, and a weekly soap opera round-up, subscribe to ArcaMax's free Entertainment Today ezine. Subscribe to Entertainment Today instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the Arcamax editors
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