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Do You Have An HMO? Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE. " Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. --- Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country. --- Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. --- Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment --- Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. --- Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. --- Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. --- Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it. --- Q. Will health care be different in the next century? A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. 4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. 5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
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Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part II 15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play. 16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant. 18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 21. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 22. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 23. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 24. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 25. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 26. You're reading this. 27. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
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Police Quotes "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers?
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Advice from Carolyn Hax Advice columnist Carolyn Hax is famous for her ability to get to the root of people's problems -- not just what they say, but who they are and what they're thinking. The resulting advice is often ruthless, sometimes controversial, and always hilarious. See for yourself what great advice Hax has to offer. Subscribe to ArcaMax's Carolyn Hax ezine, and receive her witty, helpful advice free by e-mail! Subscribe to the Carolyn Hax ezine instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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