Today's Jokes Plus Claim Your Free Google G2 Phone!

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Soap and Water After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner. When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime. Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled for his dogs, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
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Thanks A Lot I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern........ I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
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10 Features of The Company Car -- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate. -- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car. -- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars. -- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked. -- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing. -- It needs cleaning less often than private cars. -- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material. -- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio. -- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition. -- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
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The border Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan. The guard says,"We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing in the bags. The guard releases Juan,puts the sand into new bags,hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep.Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Advice from Carolyn Hax Advice columnist Carolyn Hax is famous for her ability to get to the root of people's problems -- not just what they say, but who they are and what they're thinking. The resulting advice is often ruthless, sometimes controversial, and always hilarious. See for yourself what great advice Hax has to offer. Subscribe to ArcaMax's Carolyn Hax ezine, and receive her witty, helpful advice free by e-mail! Subscribe to the Carolyn Hax ezine instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
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