Boardash: Social Skills Important for ADHD Teen

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Monday November 9, 2009

Social Skills Important for ADHD Teen
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Social Skills Important for ADHD Teen

Sylvia Rimm

Q: I'm at my wits' end. My daughter has Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder. She is very witty and intelligent, but she has a hard time obeying authority and getting along with people. She's been this way since she was 18 months old. She's now 14, in the ninth grade, and on medication. Are there any programs/therapy that teaches teens how to get along with peers? I'm in the Atlanta area.

A: There's no doubt that learning social skills is important for all teens and children who have ADHD problems and sometimes inappropriate social skills. Most counselors are trained to help children learn social skills, and group therapy is often available. Your daughter's psychiatrist or physician can probably recommend someone in your area.

Fortunately, there are also many books that can be helpful, especially to girls. Publishers like American Girl and Free Spirit Publishing provide many books on social skills, and if your daughter is sensitive to her problem, she'll probably appreciate them. In addition to therapy, you might even enjoy sharing some of these books with your daughter and talking them over as you read them together. I know you would find my own book, "See Jane Win For Girls" (Free Spirit Press, 2003), helpful to your daughter.

For free newsletters about "See Jane Win for Girls" or social skills, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Q: I am a very responsible parent of a 1-year-old. My girlfriend and I would like to know how to make a baby be quiet without taping its mouth shut. My daughter won't stop crying. Please answer as soon as possible!

A: You may absolutely feel like taping your daughter's mouth shut, but please don't ever, ever do that. A 1-year-old baby that cries continuously is undoubtedly having a serious problem. I assume you've ruled out hunger and you've fed her enough. Your next step is urgent -- you should get her to a physician to talk about that crying. The doctor will ask you when and under what circumstances she's crying.

The continuous crying could be caused by many physical problems or by allergies. The doctor may have to do some tests or scans to help identify possible problems. I'm sure you've tried holding her to comfort her, but I know that parents can't hold a baby all day and night. After the doctor has ruled out all medical problems, if the baby is still crying, you could see a psychologist or a parenting expert to guide you in parenting. If there isn't a health problem, you'll find you can quickly learn to ease your baby's discomfort and enjoy her. By one year, babies can be in very nice routines if there's nothing medically wrong.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers or the book "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008), send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

SIBLING RIVALRY CAN BE SPARKED BY PARENTS

QUESTION: If jealousy between kids is so common, then how can parents minimize the natural antagonism children feel for their siblings?

DR. DOBSON: It's helpful to avoid circumstances that compare them unfavorably with each other. They are extremely sensitive to the competitive edge of their relationship. The question is not "How am I doing?" it is "How am I doing compared with John or Steven or Marion?" The issue is not how fast I can run, but who crosses the finish line first. A boy does not care how tall he is; he is vitally interested in who is tallest.

Each child systematically measures himself against his peers and is tremendously sensitive to failure within his own family. Accordingly, parents should guard against comparative statements that routinely favor one child over another.

Perhaps an illustration will help make the case. When I was about ten years old, I loved to play with a couple of dogs that belonged to two families in the neighborhood. One was a black Scottie who liked to chase and retrieve tennis balls. The other was a pug bulldog who had a notoriously bad attitude. One day as I was tossing the ball for the Scottie, it occurred to me that it might be interesting to throw it in the direction of the ol' grouch. It was not a smart move. The ball rolled under the bulldog, who grabbed the Scottie by the throat when he tried to retrieve it. It was an awful scene. Neighbors came running as the Scottie screamed in pain. It took ten minutes and a garden hose to pry the bulldog's grip loose, and by then the Scottie was almost dead. He spent two weeks in the hospital, and I spent two weeks in "the doghouse." I regret throwing that ball to this day.

I have thought about that experience many times and have begun to recognize its application to human relationships. Indeed, it is a very simple thing to precipitate a fight between people. All that is necessary is to toss a ball, symbolically, under the more aggressive of the two and prepare for the battle that ensues. This is done by repeating negative comments one has made or by baiting one in the presence of the other. It can be accomplished in business by assigning overlapping territory to two managers. They will tear each other to pieces in the inevitable rivalry. Alas, it happens every day.

This principle is also applicable to siblings. It is remarkably easy to make them mortal enemies. All a parent must do is toss a ball in the wrong direction. Their natural antagonism will do the rest.

QUESTION: How early in life is a child capable of making a strong-willed stand in defiance against his or her parents?

DR. DOBSON: Depending on the temperament of the individual, defiant behavior can be displayed by very young children. A father once told me of taking his three-year-old daughter to a basketball game. The child was, of course, interested in everything in the gym except the athletic contest. The father permitted her to roam freely and climb on the bleachers, but he set up definite limits regarding how far she could stray. He took her by the hand and walked with her to a stripe painted on the gym floor.

"You can play all around the building, Janie, but don't go past this line," he instructed her.

Dad had no sooner returned to his seat than the toddler scurried in the direction of the forbidden territory. She stopped at the border for a moment, then flashed a grin over her shoulder to her father and deliberately placed one foot over the line as if to say, "Whacha gonna do about it?" Virtually every parent the world over has been asked the same question at one time or another. That's the way some kids are made.

Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

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