| Sylvia Rimm Q: I recently joined a new family as a stepmom of two beautiful, well-behaved kids. However, we are encountering a slight problem. The girl asks to go "wee wee" for attention, meaning she doesn't really have to pee. If I'm busy with the boy, her daddy, or cooking and not giving her attention, she will announce that she has to go to the bathroom. I would like to know how to correct the behavior. I don't feel comfortable giving a timeout for lying about urinating. Could this bring on future problems?
Right now I bring her to the bathroom, do the same routine as usual, and ask her if she felt sad that I wasn't giving her attention. Then I explain that I'm not going anywhere and that I have other responsibilities and can't always be with her.
At such a young age while potty training, it seems a bit strange to say no to going to the bathroom, but I know she doesn't have to go and only wants attention.
Help! -- Stepmom from China
A: Dear Stepmom from China: I don't know how old your stepdaughter is, but if she's only recently been trained, sometimes children think they need to urinate or are worried they will wet their pants so they ask to use the potty by mistake. Sometimes they ask to go to the potty because parents praise them so much for going. Since your stepdaughter does this so frequently, it's likely you're correct to assume she's looking for attention. However, telling her that she mustn't go now could lead to wetting her pants, which could be a more troublesome way of gaining attention. It's better to be safe than sorry. I have three easy-to-use suggestions for you.
First, when you take her to the potty and she doesn't urinate, be very matter of fact and don't give her a discussion about it -- that only serves to give her more one-to-one attention.
Secondly, and most important, get her a low potty chair and teach her to use it on her own. She'll learn quickly and feel more independent. If she's successful, she can call you to empty the potty and you can praise her appropriately for her success. If she's done nothing, but she's handled it independently, you can still praise her independence, and it's likely she'll stop asking when she doesn't have to go.
Third, be sure to give her some time and attention alone at least once a day. You can read to her or play a game, but describe it as special alone time together.
Enjoy your new stepchildren and I feel sure this minor problem will soon disappear. It may have already by the time you receive my answer.
For free newsletters about raising preschoolers or the book "How to Parent so Children will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008), send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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