Jokes for Tuesday November 17, 2009

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by: REPULSED WITH YOUR WEIGHT? Wanted: Women ages 19-56. Get paid $1,500 to lose weight! Are You Crazy? (How is this possible?) The only reason we can make you this limited time offer is because we are looking for success stories to use in our upcoming infomercials and on our website. Learn More...
Ham Dinner A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
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Turkey Football The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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Wisdom, from Seniors... -- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. -- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. -- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. -- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! -- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day! -- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
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Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captian Invincible on a good day. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful- Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
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