Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
I have a happy marriage with one seemingly silly problem that keeps getting bigger: I've asked my wife countless times not to call me at work unless the matter is urgent. She doesn't do it as often as she used to, but she still calls about non-urgent matters every other week or so. At this point, the principle is more annoying than the distracting chitchat, and I don't know how to make it stop.
-- Nashville
I agree that it's about the principle -- not to mention annoying, easily avoidable (yoo-hoo, e-mail?), and therefore possibly even a power grab on her part. You say this is "one" problem, and I'll take your word for it -- but if she shows other signs of keeping you on a short leash, then there's probably more to her calling than chitchat.
That said, one call every other week strikes me as minuscule in the scope of a marriage, the kind of thing presumably you'd be willing to brush off as a small price for having her as your wife. So the question becomes, why the "presumably" can't be presumed. Is your work (or brain wiring) such that interruptions break your concentration for long after the call ends? Is your supervisor on your case? Or ... ? If it is something concrete, have you made that plain to your wife?
Meanwhile, has she explained her reasoning? Have you encouraged the truth -- i.e., set a precedent of not batting her down for admitting difficult things, like "I'm lonely" or "I'm insecure"?
If neither of you is upfront about your reasoning, or if neither of you has a real reason beyond digging in to make a point, then your small problem starts to resemble the tip of a big one.
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Carolyn:
My job requires complex thought, and getting a personal call (from anyone) can derail my thought train for a long time. I have significant difficulty getting into "work mode" to begin with, so being snapped out of it is not something from which I can easily recover. My work phone doesn't have caller-ID.
It isn't just about my wife; I don't like anyone calling me socially at work. Everyone else in my life respects that request.
I've explained to her that a five-minute call often leads to a significantly longer loss of productivity. She is usually apologetic after the fact, says she forgot/thought it was important/feared she wouldn't remember later, and promises not to do it again.
My wife is very chatty in general, so it isn't just that she's keeping tabs on me. She can be a tad possessive of my time, but we're working on this with relative success.
I will ask her if there is something else behind the calls.
-- Nashville Again
"Possessive of my time" certainly fits the description of "something else." I think she's wrong to call even if she believes -- even if you are -- being uptight. She should say so, versus playing dumb.
To address that, though, you can only round up the usual suspects: accept it as the aforesaid "small price"; work around it (do you have the juice to get the phones upgraded?); or bring the possessiveness thing to a counselor's couch. That seems extreme -- unless, of course, your frustration already is.
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E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2009 Washington Post Writers Group
Read more about Carolyn Hax at ArcaMax.com.
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