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| St. Peter's Book A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life."
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.
"He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago." |
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| Going On The Wagon I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. |
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| New Commonplace Words Aquadextrous (adj.) Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Carperpetuation (n.) The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. |
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| A Woman's Random Thoughts If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. |
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| Free Printable Bookmarks at BookDaily.com Get free printable custom bookmarks at ArcaMax Publishing's newest site, BookDaily.com! BookDaily offers more than 80,000 first chapter book samples -- for free.
Here's a listing of the top five bookmarks that have been printed out so far at BookDaily.com (you won't see the links for the bookmarks until you're logged in or create a free account. It's easy!):
Twilight (Twilight, Book 1), by Stephanie Meyer
On Writing Well, 30th Anniversary Edition: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction, by William Zinsser
Just Like Heaven, by Marc Levy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson
The Lost Symbol, by Dan Brown
Once you set up a BookDaily account and login, you'll find a link on every book on the site offering a free printable bookmark, including the book's cover, title and author. Print as many as you'd like!
-- From the ArcaMax editors |
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Click here for details. We invite you to visit BookDaily: Book Samples for Book Lovers |
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