| Sylvia Rimm Q: How can parents help middle-school boys develop positive self-esteem? Our son is an overachiever and has problems coping with losing.
A: Many young children struggle with losing. It's very normal for a child who's 5 or 6 to cry or give up easily. We often teach them about winning and losing by playing simple board games or starting them in sports where coaches de-emphasize competition and target being team players and having fun. Gradually, most children learn to cope with both winning and losing.
By middle school, the issue is somewhat different. If children have found school to be very easy and have also been winning athletes throughout elementary school, middle school introduces them to many more children who are talented both academically and athletically. They can feel some shock in adjusting to the more competitive environment where they no longer continuously win. And as a result, they can really feel like losers.
There are things you can tell your son to help him to adjust, such as "no matter how good you are at something, there will always be people who are better than you and also those who aren't as good as you" or "get used to it --you'll win some and lose some -- doing your best is all we expect." You can cheer your son on when he wins, feel only a little bad for him when he loses, and be a great role model for good sportsmanship. When you observe others who are poor sports, or those who cheat to win, you can point out to your son that you hope he'll not act that way. You can admire children who persevere and are gracious winners and losers.
It's hard work teaching children how to cope with competition, but it really is an important part of life. If your son can learn resilience and understand how to set realistic goals, he can survive in our competitive society without feeling like a loser, just because he isn't first at everything.
You called your son an overachiever. That suggests he achieves more than he's capable of, and it may make him think you don't believe he's as capable as he appears. It may feel like your vote of no confidence to him. There's nothing wrong with being a hard worker. In the end, hard work pays off. We even like to tell children that the smarter they are, the harder they'll work and vice versa -- the harder they work, the smarter they'll become. It's important, however, that your son doesn't pressure or criticize himself too much, and of course, we'd like him to balance his hard work with fun and a social life. It would be better to refer to him as an achiever than an overachiever.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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