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| First Anniversary The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?" |
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| Coffee Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."
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| Shopping My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men." |
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| Old Sayings...Different Twist See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard? See answers below.
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations
4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.
Answers:
1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
5. Don't cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn't boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
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| Get Healthy in 2010 Start getting in shape for the New Year with health tips from ArcaMax! Get the latest news in health and medicine, free diet and exercise tips, and more with a free subscription.
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