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| All Alone Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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| Funny Signs, Part I At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
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| Funny Signs, Part II In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign." |
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| Sleeping Dog One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
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| Advice from Carolyn Hax Advice columnist Carolyn Hax is famous for her ability to get to the root of people's problems -- not just what they say, but who they are and what they're thinking.
The resulting advice is often ruthless, sometimes controversial, and always hilarious.
See for yourself what great advice Hax has to offer. Subscribe to ArcaMax's Carolyn Hax ezine, and receive her witty, helpful advice free by e-mail!
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-- From the ArcaMax editors |
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