| Sylvia Rimm Q: I don't know if something is wrong with my nephew, if his behavior is the result of poor parenting, or both. He is 10 years old and still throws tantrums. He will lie down on the floor and flail his legs. When he was younger, his tantrums were so extreme that I'd have to describe them as nuclear meltdowns.
The last time I saw him, I noticed that he randomly makes a noise that sounds like a seal barking, and sometimes he'll stop talking and just grunt and make noises. At that time, his mother will tell him to "use your words."
A couple of years ago, he was put in therapy because he did something that "scared his teacher." His mother never said what that "something" was. I believe his mother said the therapy was for anger issues.
He can be the sweetest child in the world, but it seems like the normal "bumps" in life will set him off. Is it "normal" for 10-year-old children to have tantrums and make noises instead of talking?
I don't know what to think about how his mother handles his behavior. If ignoring his tantrums would stop the behavior, wouldn't he have stopped throwing tantrums by now? Also, if the "use your words" reminder was going to get him to stop grunting and making noises, wouldn't that have worked by now?
I'm scared that he'll hurt someone when he gets older (and bigger) if he doesn't learn to control himself.
A: While 10-year-olds and even 20-year-olds lose their tempers, the peculiar noises could be symptomatic of a more serious problem. It would be inappropriate for me to attempt any diagnosis based on your letter. Because he's already seen a psychologist, I think you have less reason to worry about him. You've mentioned that he saw the psychologist a couple of years ago, so an important question is whether it's time to see someone again. At 10, we typically are able to teach children anger management strategies that help considerably. The "use your words" advice is more typically addressed to preschoolers and younger children. Also, the continuing strange sounds could indicate a different diagnosis at this time than those same sounds in a very young child.
Ignoring temper tantrums can actually be very helpful. While your nephew's tantrums haven't gone away, I'm guessing they've decreased in number. As to his danger to others, obviously barking or making noises at others hardly ever damages them, but if his sounds become degrading words or aggressive actions, there will surely be reason to worry. Because you've mentioned that "he can be the sweetest child in the world," it's less likely he'll be abusive. Perhaps, you could subtly suggest to your sibling that now that he's reached the tween years, it could be a good idea to return to a psychologist for a further evaluation.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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