Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
I do not wake up pleasantly. Mornings are bad, but if you wake me while I am sleeping, it gets ugly. For example, my husband tried to kiss me awake the other day, and I did not react well. I feel terrible.
The problem I have is that in that state of just-awakeness, I don't even have the time or brain processing power to control it. It's not like when you have had a bad day, and you start to snap at a loved one, but you are able to realize it and stop before you even open your mouth.
Am I making excuses thinking I really can't figure out how to fix this? If not, what can I say to get it through his head that anything that could startle me awake (including touching me) is just going to end badly? I snap like a snake, he curls up and pouts that I don't want to be touched, and then I feel guilty.
-- Morning Crankapus
Tell your husband you will do your part by talking to your doctor about a possible medical/emotional reason for your hostile wake-ups, and ask that he do his part by not taking personally something you cannot control.
I'm curious, though -- have you always been this way, all your life, or is it new? I.e., has this only ever happened with him? If it's the latter, then I think you need to be prepared to dig into what has changed and why this is happening now. That's a crucial element of "your part" that will likely help him with his.
For Morning Crank:
I have the same issue and always felt terrible that I couldn't react like "normal" people -- I am startled by any little touch or feeling of a hovering physical presence too close to me (this doesn't include sleeping next to my husband, but more of a sense of someone hovering over me).
As I became an adult and started to understand the reason (childhood trauma, enough said), I explained it to my husband. So although we both know my behavior is not typical, he understands why he has to be careful about how he wakes me or approaches me when I am asleep. To the extent your reaction is based on anything like my experience, it's critical to uncover the reason -- and to share it with your spouse.
-- Anonymous
I'm sorry. Thanks so much for weighing in.
Dear Carolyn:
This is Crankapus. I've been this way most of my adult life. I'm not a huge fan of touching in general, it startles me and distracts me. I should probably investigate it further: Like the other poster, I come from an abusive childhood. Never put those two together. Lots to think about.
-- Morning Crankapus Again
Indeed. Glad you wrote back in, thanks. Please keep your husband informed as you think this through, because you'll need one of two things: a warning that he's less your ally than another abusive link in the chain, or assurances that he's on your side.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2009 Washington Post Writers Group
Read more about Carolyn Hax at ArcaMax.com.
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