Today's Jokes Plus Get a Free Education Handbook

- Here is your ArcaMax Jokes Ezine, sponsored today by: Get your degree online or on campus now! Selecting the right college and degree program is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. Our guide will help set you up for success. And, provide you with invaluable knowledge from a single source, all for FREE! Your free handbook includes: * Financial Aid Information – Earn Grants and Scholarships * "Survival Guide" to Ensure a Successful College Experience * Proven Career and Job Placement Strategies Get It Free Now!
Children's Vision... HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Sponsor Why is my PC so slow? Computers slow down. It's unavoidable. What's worse is that over time they begin to exhibit error messages. If the problems persist, they freeze up or even crash! RegTOOL offers a solution to these problems, and using it is fast and easy. In under two minutes it can detect and repair corrupt paths, outdated shortcuts and duplicate entries, sweeping away the hurdles to optimal PC performance. Free diagnostic scan available here If you're fed up with slow computer performance, system crashes, or slow boot up speeds, look into RegTOOL and maximize your PC's performance!
Things your Mother would NEVER say... -- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. -- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day. -- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse. -- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper. -- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here. -- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad. -- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? -- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Sponsor Car Insurance in 10 Minutes Before you write another check to your car insurance company, compare car insurance quotes online! We can help you save as much as $500 a year on your auto insurance. Get multiple quotes in minutes. Compare quotes online for free. Click here to get started...
Golf Meditations If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Sponsor No Money? No Problem! You may be entitled to government funding! Government money is readily available for many reasons including: * Business setup / expansion * Bills * Education * And Much, Much More! We'll share the secret of where and how to ask: Get our complimentary information kit here!
Hen Thief A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend
Get Ready for the New School Year The school year is about to start, and ArcaMax can help you get ready with a variety of helpful ezines! To get your kids ahead before classes begin, check out the Book Club to start reading hundreds of classic books free, many of them assigned in middle and high schools across the country. And test their knowledge of current and past events with daily installments from the History & Quotes ezine. For more advice to get you through the school year -- including parenting tips from today's most popular columnists -- sign up for the free ArcaMax Parents ezine. Visit the Book Club and start reading. Subscribe to ArcaMax Parents instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors
To see more Jokes, visit the Jokes channel.
ArcaMax proudly distributes 75 popular newsletters, including Garfield, Recipes, Bible Verses, Gardening and Business Success. To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg ArcaMax publications are now available in an "advertising-free" format. Click here for details. We invite you to visit BookDaily: Book Samples for Book Lovers
Thank you for your subscription to Jokes from ArcaMax with the following email address: duncanjax@gmail.com Jokes from ArcaMax may be non-commercially distributed unedited! Please share it! Pass it along to friends, family and associates. SUBSCRIBING To Subscribe to any of our Newsletters visit: http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/reg UNSUBSCRIBING To discontinue this newsletter - Select this link Having Trouble? You may also try this link: http://www.arcamax.com/unsubscribe It is our policy and practice not to send unwanted email. ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. 729 Thimble Shoals Boulevard Suite B Newport News, VA 23606 Copyright 1996-2009 ArcaMax Publishing, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.